Writers 
There is one thing I have learnt about living in a Nigerian compound: never enter a husband-and-wife argument, even when you think you can help. Our compound has six flats, one stubborn generator that sounds like an old motorcycle, a landlord who appears whenever somebody is owing rent, and a woman upstairs who somehow knows everybody's business before the people involved do. So when my neighbour, Emeka, and his wife started arguing one evening, everybody pretended not to hear them. But nobody actually moved away from their windows. 😂
His wife shouted, “Emeka, you told me you didn't have money!”
Emeka replied, “I don't have money!”
She shouted back, “Then what is this ₦30,000 doing inside your trouser pocket?”
Suddenly, the whole compound became quiet. Even the children playing football near the gate stopped shouting. Somebody's generator was still running, but honestly, it felt like even the generator wanted to hear what would happen next.
Emeka said, “That money is not what you think.”
His wife replied, “So what is it?”
He said, “It's emergency money.”
She shouted, “Emergency for what?”
He answered, “Anything can happen.”
She fired back, “Something has already happened. I have found it!”
I almost laughed, but my neighbour on the next balcony gave me that serious look that meant, “Don't get involved.”
A few minutes later, Emeka came outside. He looked frustrated and started pacing around the compound. He saw me sitting near the staircase and said, “Bro, don't mind women. Sometimes they can turn ordinary things into a court case.”
I nodded. “It's okay, bro.”
Before I could say anything else, his wife came outside.
She looked at me and asked, “Please, did Emeka give you money to keep for him?”
I immediately became uncomfortable.
“Madam, nobody gave me anything.”
She looked at Emeka.
Emeka looked at me.
I looked at the ground.
That was when I realised that somehow, I had entered a matter I didn't apply for.
She went back inside.
Emeka came closer and whispered, “Please, if she asks again, just tell her you don't know anything.”
I said, “But I genuinely don't know anything.”
He smiled. “Exactly. That's why you're perfect.”
Before I could understand what he meant, his wife suddenly shouted from inside:
“EMEKA! COME AND EXPLAIN THIS BANK ALERT!”
Everybody froze.
Then she continued:
“Why did you transfer ₦30,000 to THIS MAN'S ACCOUNT?”
My heart nearly stopped.
I stood up immediately.
“Which man?”
She came outside holding her phone.
She looked at me.
Then she looked at Emeka.
“Your friend!”
I checked my phone.
Nothing.
I opened my banking app.
There was an incoming transfer.
₦30,000 from Emeka.
I turned to him.
“Guy, what is this?”
He looked embarrassed.
His wife folded her arms.
“Exactly! So you actually gave him the money to keep for you?”
Emeka shook his head.
“No.”
His wife looked confused.
“Then why did you send it to him?”
Emeka took a deep breath and said:
“Because if I kept the money, you would find it.”
The compound went completely silent.
Then he looked at me and whispered:
“Bro, please send it back to me tomorrow morning.”
His wife immediately shouted:
“SEND IT BACK TO HIM? YOU ARE NOW USING MY NEIGHBOUR AS YOUR SECRET ACCOUNT?”
At that point, the woman upstairs opened her window and shouted:
“EMEKA! IF YOU WANT TO HIDE MONEY, DON'T USE A BANK ACCOUNT WITH YOUR NAME!”
Even the children started laughing.
I wanted to disappear.
But the real problem came five minutes later when Emeka's wife walked up to me and said:
“Please transfer the ₦30,000 back to me.”
I asked, “Why?”
She smiled.
“Because apparently, you are the only person in this compound my husband trusts with money. So from today, I am making you our family treasurer.” 😂😭
I looked at Emeka.
He looked at me.
Then he quietly said:
“Bro… please reject the appointment.” 😂
