NOT YET

I have knocked on doors till my knuckles ache,

I have planted my dreams, watched the branches break.

I have whispered, “I'm ready.”

I have begged, “Let me try.”

But somehow my chances keep passing me by.

I wake up with plans,

I go to my bed

With thousands of ideas

Still stuck in my head.

I say, “I promise tomorrow, I will begin,”

Then night comes around,

And I question again:

When will it be my turn?

When will something stay?

How long must I struggle

Before I find my way?

They keep saying,

“Your time will arrive. Put on a smile.”

But how can I smile

When I'm barely alive?

With dreams in my chest

And no means to pursue,

With so much I want to do

But so little I can do.

I've watched people my age

Turn dreams into gold,

Turn their imaginations

Into stories they've told.

But here I am,

Stuck with an idea;

Something I feel like doing,

But somehow can't do.

I try to do it,

But somehow I fail.

I cry and I cry

Till my tears run stale.

And now it seems

My eyes have refused to cry.

I've just become quiet,

Very silent inside.

And every time,

I keep hearing the question:

“Am I doing enough?”

And it gets tiring

Trying to explain to yourself

That you are doing enough.

I am not lazy.

I am simply worn out.

I am fighting a battle

I don't want to talk about,

A battle I can't talk about.

I want to build something

From these empty hands,

Something that comes

From somewhere in my heart.

I'm chasing a future

I cannot yet see.

But does that mean

I should stop

Because others are ahead of me?

No.

I will not.

Maybe I'm slower.

Maybe that's okay.

Maybe my “someday”

Is simply delayed.

Maybe the doors

I wanted won't stay.

Maybe another one

Will open one day.

And maybe one morning,

When everything is alright,

I'll look at my struggle

And call it my fight.

The season that broke me

Yet taught me to grow.

The years I felt lost

Before finally knowing

I wasn't falling behind.

I was taking my time.

I was becoming.

And maybe this...

all this waiting,

all this trying,

all this failing,

all this starting again

was part of my becoming story.