Writers 
Dangote say:
“Come and buy my refinery shares. ₦525 per share.”
Nigerians:
“Say no more.” 😭😂
Omo, the way people suddenly become interested in investment, you go think say everybody for Nigeria don attend Harvard Business School.
Yesterday, people were complaining:
“Abeg, who get ₦2k make I manage till weekend?”
Today:
“What's your investment portfolio looking like?” 😭
One guy called me around 9am.
“Bro!”
I say, “Wetin happen?”
He say, “I don invest in Dangote Refinery.”
I say, “Serious?”
He say, “Very serious.”
I ask, “How many shares?”
He said: “Ten.”
I paused.
“Ten?”
“Yes.”
“So you don become businessman?”
He said:
“No. But at least I don get something wey Dangote get.” 😂😭
I nearly dropped my phone.
I say, “Guy, you mean say because you buy ten shares, you and Dangote don become business partners?”
He said:
“Technically…”
I said:
“Technically, you need to calm down.” 😂
But honestly, I understood him.
Because Nigerians love opportunity.
Once Nigerians hear that something can potentially make money, everybody suddenly remembers that they have always wanted to be an investor.
One uncle that has been asking everybody for transport money since January suddenly entered the family WhatsApp group and typed:
“Gentlemen, diversification of investment portfolio is very important.”
Everybody was quiet.
One person replied:
“Uncle, abeg send me ₦5k.”
Uncle disappeared.
No reply.
Blue ticks.
Nothing.
The man that was just preaching investment diversification had relocated. 😭😂
Then another guy started asking:
“Which app I fit use buy the shares?”
Another one:
“Abeg, which platform dey reliable?”
Another:
“Minimum how many shares?”
Another:
“Guy, you don buy?”
The whole place suddenly became an investment conference.
Even people wey never read anything about shares before were now discussing the stock market like seasoned professionals.
One guy told me:
“Bro, I dey wait make the price go up.”
I asked:
“Up to how much?”
He said:
“I don't know.”
I said:
“So wetin you dey wait for?”
He said:
“I just know say e suppose go up.” 😭
That is when I realized that Nigerian investment strategy sometimes is:
“Buy first. Understand later.” 😂
Then the investment apps started feeling the pressure.
Everybody was trying to log in.
One person said:
“Guy, this app no dey open.”
Another said:
“Mine don hang.”
Another:
“Try again.”
Another:
“Network bad.”
Before you know it, people started blaming their network provider.
“Na MTN!”
“No, na Airtel!”
“Try Wi-Fi!”
“Restart your phone!”
“Put airplane mode!”
Meanwhile, the app was probably somewhere asking:
“Why are all these Nigerians suddenly here?” 😂😂
And the funniest part?
The same person who was begging you for ₦2,000 yesterday can now send you a voice note saying:
“Bro, I dey build my financial portfolio. You need to start thinking long-term.”
Long-term?
My brother, you borrowed ₦2k from me on Tuesday and promised to return it on Friday. 😭
Where is the long-term?
Please return my short-term first. 😂
Another thing I noticed is how quickly Nigerians change their vocabulary once money enters the conversation.
Before:
“Abeg, I need money.”
Now:
“I’m looking for an opportunity to increase my capital.”
Before:
“Guy, you get ₦500?”
Now:
“What asset classes are you currently exposed to?”
Before:
“Abeg send me data.”
Now:
“I’m currently exploring digital investment opportunities.”
Omo! 😂
Same person.
Same phone.
Same empty account.
Just different grammar.
And that's Nigeria for you.
Once opportunity shows face, Nigerians no dey carry last.
Some people are buying because they genuinely want to invest.
Some are curious.
Some want to test the waters.
And some are simply saying:
“If Dangote is making money from refinery, abeg let me collect my own small portion.” 😂
But one thing is certain:
₦525 enter the market and suddenly everybody became Warren Buffett. 😭😂🇳🇬
Tomorrow, somebody will probably tell me:
“Bro, I’m now a shareholder.”
I’ll just ask:
“Congratulations. Abeg fit you borrow me ₦2k?” 😂
