THE QUESTION THAT TURNED ME OFF LAST NIGHT

It was just an ordinary night until one question suddenly entered my mind and completely changed my mood.

“Are you close to God?”

Honestly, I don't even know why that question affected me the way it did. 😂🤦🏿‍♀️ I was just there, probably trying to sleep, when the question came into my head. At first, I didn't think much of it, but the more I thought about it, the more confused I became.

Am I actually close to God?

Honestly, I don't know.

Yes, I pray every day. Yes, I read my Bible. Yes, I pray my rosary. I try to do the things I believe a Christian should do. But then another question came up: Does doing all these things automatically mean that I am close to God?

What does it actually mean to be close to God?

That question was what kept me awake. 😂

I kept thinking about it over and over again. I started examining myself and wondering whether my relationship with God was actually as strong as I thought it was. Was I genuinely seeking God, or was I just doing religious activities because I was used to them? Was I praying because I truly wanted to communicate with Him, or was I simply praying because I knew I was supposed to?

And honestly, I couldn't give myself a proper answer.

I know I believe in God. I know I love God. I know I want Him to be part of my life. But sometimes I wonder if I'm actually as close to Him as I should be.

The question became so serious that I even decided I was going to fast today. 😂 I thought maybe fasting would help me feel closer to God or help me understand what I was missing.

But guess what?

It didn't work out. 🤦🏿‍♀️😂

And then I started laughing at myself because here I was, already confused about my relationship with God, and now I was stressing myself over whether I was doing enough.

But beneath the laughter, the question was still there.

What does it truly mean to be close to God?

Is it praying every morning and night? Is it reading the Bible every day? Is it going to church? Is it praying the rosary? Is it fasting? Is it avoiding certain things? Or is it something deeper than all of these?

Maybe being close to God is not just about how many religious activities I can tick off my list. Maybe it is about actually knowing Him, trusting Him, talking to Him honestly, listening to Him, and allowing my relationship with Him to influence the way I live my life.

Because I can pray every day and still have moments when I struggle. I can read my Bible and still not understand everything. I can pray my rosary and still have questions. I can try to do the right things and still make mistakes.

Maybe that doesn't mean I'm far from God. Maybe it simply means I'm still growing.

And perhaps that is what I need to understand.

I don't think being close to God means becoming a perfect person who never makes mistakes. I think it means continually turning back to Him, even when you mess up. It means genuinely wanting to know Him better, even when you're confused. It means trusting Him even when you don't understand what He is doing.

Maybe the fact that this question bothered me so much is actually a sign that my relationship with God matters to me.

I don't have the perfect answer yet.

I am still confused, honestly. 😂🤦🏿‍♀️ But maybe I don't need to figure everything out in one night.

Maybe I can simply pray and say, “God, I want to know You more. I want to be genuinely close to You. Please show me what that means and help me grow.”

And perhaps that's where the journey really begins.

Because sometimes, the questions that disturb us the most are the questions that make us look deeper into ourselves.